The Whole Mama

How do you control your kids without rules?

This seems to be one of the main questions that comes up for people when they encounter Unschooling: “No Rules?” they ask incredulously while imagining the unschoolers’ home to be a zoo. The same no rules thing seems to confuse some unschoolers who read it as an instruction to never say “no” to anything their children are doing nor to discuss their family values or principles with them. My understanding of Unschooling is of a very hands on approach: guiding when asked, sharing options (and opinions as long as you label them such), even leading by being an example of what you want to see, but without coercion or manipulation, but not one that expects children, especially very young children to be able to be left alone to figure everything out for themselves.

The House-Guest Analogy

If you had a house-guest from another culture who was behaving in a way that was inappropriate for your family or culture, you’d sit down and compassionately explain why their behaviour was uncomfortable for you or others and share what was the norm for this culture and allow them to come to their own decision about it. You wouldn’t let them just carry on oblivious to the hurt or discomfort that was being left in the wake of their actions, nor shout at them and punish them, or even ignore them and then reward them when they behaved in a way you were more comfortable with.

Living by Principles

It’s that thought and approach that I try to use when I find my children, or my husband, doing something different to how I would do it.  Or not doing something I wish they were doing.  I try not to demand, make arbitrary rules or feel like they must have taken their action just to ruin my day (yes, all scripts from my own authoritarian upbringing).  I like the NVC approach of talking about it where I state what I am observing without judging it, say how I’m feeling about it and what my underlying need is and then make my request to see if my family would be willing to help me out with whatever it is.  It comes back to the principle which can have many expressions, rather than a rule that is so rigid for life which is so dynamic.

Sandra Dodd on Rules

It’s an approach for me that is summed up well by Sandra in this video, that we try to live by principles rather than by rules. Have you ever noticed how many exceptions you have to make once you’ve made a “rule”?  Rules can be so arbitrary and have so many exceptions to make them laughable and, as their primary purpose within the home is to make the lives of some family members easier by removing autonomy from other members, it is a breeding ground for rebellion and deceit.  I’m finding that living by principles rather than rules is taking the struggle out of life and parenting (and partnering!) for me.  It’s not easy overcoming the patterns I inherited and learned during my own childhood, nor do I succeed every time, or even every day, but it’s well worth persevering!  I’m definitely getting better at it than I was and that’s all I can do.