Authenticity, Vulnerability And Friendships

Wouldn’t it be amazing to live in a world free of social games?

 

Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to say what you feel. To put to words what you can feel the energies of and just remove the guessing and game playing altogether?

 

I partially live in this world. I have friends with whom we can strip away the masks and the ways of being that are expected and normal.

 

Friends where I can say: we feel out of sync – what’s that about? And then we can each talk about what was said, where we reacted, the inner processes that have been going on for us that have caused the wedge in our closeness and they just dissolve.

 

Friends where I can say that I’ve noticed that a sexual attraction has sprung up and we can talk about it and what it is reflecting for us within ourselves and how little it has to do with “each other” and use it as another level of growth in ourselves and within our friendship.

 

No taking responsibility for each other’s feelings or reactions.

 

No fixing anything.

 

No needing to end the friendships because of conflict or attraction.

 

No guessing or assuming or letting connections slide away .. just a deepening and growing and living truly in the heart.

 

Living in the heart doesn’t always feel happy and light and beautiful.

 

But it always feels ‘right’ and authentic and deep .. and that’s the place I want to live all of the time.

 

I want to live there with the people I have just met as well as those who have helped me grow into this place of open strong vulnerability.

 

I recently met a new friend.

 

The connection feels enlivening and uplifting and has a zinginess that I haven’t felt in a while. It has a depth of familiarity too, that goes way beyond it’s physical, practical, actual duration.

 

And it is problematic.

 

I want to be able to say how exciting and enlivening it feels.

I want to be able to talk about the energy in the connection that feels deep, out of proportion to the two weeks it has existed.

I want to talk about how I’ve meditated on it and tuned into it to understand it more.

And when I still couldn’t really get to the heart of it, I want to be able to say (without [ahem] feeling like a stalker) that I got a synastry report and it explained everything, in astrological terms, that I have already been picking up energetically. And it made total sense and put everything into context of the Bigger Picture.

That, although it’s a friendship that’s barely off the ground yet, I feel so happy to have it for all I can feel in it way, way down the line.

 

But how do I say any of that in a world that just doesn’t?

My hands and tongue feel tied by social games and expectations and conditions. Most probably only my own. I have no idea of his, because my tongue is too tied to ask.

 

My new friend is a man.

He’s married.

I don’t know him or his rules or his expectations.

And that all somehow seems to affect everything.

 

I’d like to be able to say, right off the bat, at the start of this friendship:

 

Hi. I really like you. I like how energized I feel in your company. There’s definitely some sexual energy bouncing around in here which is very enlivening and delicious, but I’m not interested in the physical connection of an affair and all the lying that accompanies it ..  I don’t want to miss out on a potentially great friendship because of it and I don’t want anyone mistaking it for anything other than a neutral energy that can be expressed in many different ways .. so let’s just talk about it and get it out in the open and move on to the next stage of authentic friendship. We seem to have a lot in common and there’s that feeling of having known each other for ages. Isn’t that brilliant? Can we hang out more?

 

But I don’t think that I can.

 

Is it because I’ve only felt this particular blend of familiarity and charge in encounters where the person became my lover and I’m having trouble referencing it in a friendship?

Or that I’ve not yet had the same kind of blend of energies show up in my female friendships?

Would it be different if he was single?

Would it be more fine if I was also married and we all “knew” it was “safe”?

Would I be less sensitive about it if my husband hadn’t had an affair with a single woman?

 

[sigh]

 

Maybe I’m just tongue-tied by that old fear-based programme that I am experiencing all of this connection and this energy and I may choose vulnerability and talk about it with my new friend and find he is not experiencing any of the same and I feel foolish .. and embarrassed.

 

I’m sure that fear has robbed me of many great experiences in my life. Perhaps I should find out for sure whether or not embarrassment is fatal?? <laughing>

 

At this point, I just want to hit delete on this whole post and I can hear the little voice in my head saying I’m probably just imagining the whole lot. It’s running me through the few interactions I’ve had with my friend and showing me how not one of these shows up any of what I’ve been saying I can sense going on. That it’s all ludricrous.

 

It sounds just like the voice that told me I was “imagining it” for a year when my husband was lying to me about his affair and I accepted that because I couldn’t find anything to prove it.

 

It seems very like the voice that had me discount many things I’ve felt or sensed but haven’t been able to rationally prove, most of my life, and have therefore been too afraid to explore or even try and find out how accurate or not they were.

 

At what point do I accept that what my clairsentience and my intuition tell me is true over what five senses 3D proof I can find?

 

Maybe this is that point?

 

I’m still tempted to delete my post though <laughing>

 

So many questions and very few answers right now. I suspect these are all just a product of my own judgements and conditioning and dropping them, dropping the labels, would clear the way for a clear authentic friendship to flow right from the start, instead of needing to grow into it over the years.

 

I hope so.

 

I find all these social games very confusing and tiring and frustrating.

 

Until a time when we are all totally telepathic and empathic and there will be no hiding anything at all and so no games either, perhaps I just need to walk my talk more fully and say what I experience, no matter how long or short I have known someone!

 

No matter how excruciatingly gut-wrenching the thought of being that exposed is.

 

That seems very scary .. but equally, very liberating!

 

 

 

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