Today is the 26th of July 2011
It would have been my 11th anniversary with the man that I felt was my soul mate.
And, in truth, he was my soul mate in what I believe to be the very truest sense of the word. That he and I had soul agreements in this lifetime. That he gently and lovingly opened some doorways in my heart that I didn’t know how to and, later, in less kind and loving ways gave me the opportunities for me to expand my heart beyond the places I knew or had seen modelled in real life.
Wedding Day Revisited
Today, the weather was as perfect and summery as the day we got married, 26 July 2008.
I took my time getting ready. Enjoyed my long shower uninterrupted by the sweet voices of my children and searched through my sparsely populated wardrobe for something special to wear.
The drive was familiar, even though I’d not been there since our wedding, the roads quiet, smells of farmland blowing in my open window.
I turned into the church car park, relieved to find it empty, remembering my arrival here three years ago. As I crossed over the point on the church pathway where I had hoisted my train up to walk up to the church, I began drawing my energy back into me from the memories.
I remembered how full and happy and excited I felt, while this time, my heart was pounding inexplicably in my chest, hard and heavy.
I reached the heavy wooden door and swung it open to the cool empty interior. I started at the back of the church, next to the organ, remembering all of the faces of my then community turning to face me as the organ lit up and I began walking down the aisle. Each step I took today, I drew my energy back into me and this time I could feel the tingle of it as I reached the point where my husband had waited for me, his hands shaking.
I took the rings I had brought with me out of my bag and held them for a moment, breathing quietly.
I pictured him standing in front of me and I whispered “I forgive you” as I have forgiven myself for my part in bringing us to this point today. I still felt fine though, nothing too big, just moving through each step as I felt it.
I remembered the Reverend leading us to the back of the church, to the altar beneath the stained glass windows and I felt to go there.
The first kneeling cushion as I approached held an image of the dove and it made me smile, it felt so perfect. It took me a moment to get comfortable; kneeling felt strange and I was swaying as I closed my eyes.
I paused my thoughts to find my centre.
I opened myself to my Higher Self, to my guides and angels and Divinity and asked for help.
I felt the connection with my own Divine Light open and the swaying stopped.
I couldn’t remember the prayers we said there that day, but as I connected with my wedding band, I felt the words begin to well up and tumble out of me, followed by rivers of tears. I began to say the words aloud, through rasping breaths and loud crying, grateful for the lack of human witnesses.
Each word and tear seemed to create the space for more to well up. I forgave and released him of any vows or promises he had made to me on that ring, and any that had led up to it. I forgave and asked for Divine Forgiveness* on any similar promises or vows we had ever made to each other, in any lifetime, all the way back to when time began. And I felt them release with the tears and the words.
I did the same with my engagement ring, releasing any expectations that had come with receiving and the giving of it. I forgave myself for not having been able to receive it at the time, on a day of just too much for me.
The ‘Sins’ Of Our Mother And Our Mother’s Mother
And then I held my late mother’s wedding band.
In an even stronger surge of emotion, I forgave her for all she had ever taught me about relationships and relating in ways that have been unhealthy and painful in my life. I forgave her and her mother and her mother’s mother, all the way up my maternal line to the beginning of time, for all that they had learned about relationship that was not Loving and Unconditional and that they had each passed down to me.
And I released it all. And each release and each prayer brought a stronger cleansing flow of my tears streaming off my face, running down my chest tickling my skin until my blouse soaked them up.
I held the three rings in my hands and brought my palms together in prayer while a small voice mocked me for the gesture and another laughingly answered it: if not in a church, then where?
(I’m not religious, raised Judaic not Christian, so even getting married in one seemed unbelievable to most who knew me, but I marvelled at the ego pettiness that can go on in the back of my mind while all these huge things are going on up front!)
And I prayed to the God within me and all around me with gratitude for releasing all of this from my children. And from my descendants all the way forward to infinity. And for releasing this from my ancestors, all the way back to infinity.
I repeated the Ho’oponopono prayer** a few times until I could say all four lines without a fresh flood of tears and I asked that any spaces within me left empty by this release be filled with Divine Love.
And as I was quiet for a moment, I felt like those plastic bottles that you can pop the dents out of and I could feel hollow sucked in places inside of me popping back out, filling with warmth.
And then I was done.
I walked back past the table where we had signed the register and pulled back any energy I’d left there and sat quietly in the front pew, just Being.
I have come a long way on this journey. My soul mate now lives with the woman who was his mistress and they’ve just had a very beautiful baby girl. I have recently made space in my heart to embrace both mother and child as a part of my extended family. It was a very difficult journey to get there and I’m sure it will still have its milestones to pass. But I have learned that true forgiveness and acceptance seem to give the biggest gift of freedom to the giver, so I suppose it can be considered selfish in its own way. And it is a relief not to feel my stomach involuntarily clench when I hear her name, and I am no longer surprised by vengeful thoughts in my quietest moments. I truly feel free.
I see him regularly when he comes to my home to collect the two very wonderful children that were part of our soul contract to consciously conceive and bring into this world. I don’t love him anymore, but I don’t resent or blame or hate him either. I enjoy his company for the moments that we share it, he’s very personable, but he is not my friend and I understand our meeting has served its purpose.
Last Wednesday, a judge officially pronounced that my marriage had
“broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved“
so this anniversary is the last we will officially share before our divorce is finalized.
I didn’t realize before I stepped foot back in the church today all that was still waiting release and I am very grateful I was willing to drop my plans for the day and follow my intuition to pick up my rings and take myself to the church and be able to open to all that happened there today.
I feel I am that bit closer to embodying unconditional love, for myself and others.
I am one step closer to unconditionality in all my relationships today.
I feel free and gentle and peaceful.
And, if you’ve read all the way to this point, I thank you for your witness.
I love you.
To me, forgiveness in this context means to let go and transmute the pattern or programme, so that it is cleared at a spiritual/soul level. It isn’t a ‘moral’ forgiveness.
** Ho’oponopono Prayer
Please Forgive Me
I Love You
calendar by Goddess Leonie